A Theory

Am I unlucky in love, or just looking for the wrong thing? As much as this concept of looking out for someone is laughed at ie Seinfeld's episode with Jerry and that chick's that exactly like himself, I'm become more convinced.

Looking at the three criteria again, maybe they should be amended to "passions for things I also enjoy". I feel that this bias is arising from meeting people in my life who share common passions and that I'm attracted to....damn volleyball! :P

On another note with regards to love, an interesting email from a friend claims that commitment is the key to a solid relationship, not love (as a feeling). choice quotes:

"You can love someone and tell him "I love you" and you're telling
the truth.
But how much do you love him? Enough to let him court you? Enough to
marry him? Enough to die for him?
The greatest test of true love is commitment. And the greatest
indicator of deep love is deep commitment."

Am I commitment phobic? In answer to that question, another interesting email (actually, a response to the first one) from another friend:
However for me love in a relationship, that is "to love someone", is not just a feeling, it involves actions, attitudes and behaviours. It is therefore an all encompassing expression that includes commitment.
The reason I have never come to the point of telling a girlfriend that I love her is not because I haven't felt anything for them, but my commitment, actions, attitudes and behaviours have never reached the levels that would in my mind indicate that I loved that person.

Do I agree? Partly. It's hard to let those walls around you go until you find that special someone, but to find that special someone you have to let those walls go.....
However, I am coming up with this realisation that there are times when all this casual flirting is all I'm after. An email once in a while, a few :)and :P in the email, and that's enough for me!
Sad, isn't it? :)

Damn! fourteen cheap calls already:

JB

Personally, i think that maybe you are looking for the wrong thing and probably someone else has said this before but can you really expect a casual bump n grind from some random chick lead to something more than that. Sure it happens and there is probably the hope that it will but for the things that you say you want from a relationship, i say there is a very slim chance.

Even though the three of us are quite different, i'd still like to belive that when it comes down to it, when it comes to girls we all want the same thing. Casting aside things like looks and various other individual preferences we all want someone who makes us feel good about ourselves, makes us laugh, inspires us etc and i don't think that type of person is the type that is going to come up to you and grind you in a dodgy night club. I'm not saying that the girls that do are dodgy, i'm just saying that those girls will probably appeal to our more immediate "male needs" :p so i'm not surprised that after the initial fling that you find that something is missing. Of course i'm not speaking from experience and this is all thought and i could be and probably are very wrong but thats how i see it.

Just my point of view JB doesn't mean its right or wrong and doesn't mean you need to justify your actions either.

Do you look too hard?
Mr B - 28 August '03 - 11:52

I'm down for some "Male Needs" :)

But I digress....yes, I am certain you are right. However, if you do grind someone at a club, you can still go through the same motions of getting to know them, right?
I hope that there are people like myself who go to these clubs, and are a decent sort. Just because I'm there doesn't *fingers crossed* make me some instant sleaze.

I don't think I'm looking that hard. You meet new people, and obviously there is some assessment (long or short) of their potential. I think it's a natural thing. Maybe the reason I have so many stoopid stories is because I still meet a few people.

As I said about the criterias I have, it's all what you wrote down in your comment. She might not come up to you in a nightclub, but the chances of her being there are the same as her being somewhere else.
JookBoy - 01 September '03 - 16:19

"... there are times when all this casual flirting is all I'm after..." - is this true you think JB (nice nickname)? That a very interesting call, cause I reckon that you can find many reasons for not liking someone - be it that they have no passion, are too cutie, etc - and that may well be not cause of faults/deficiencies in THEM, but in your own desire (for a relationship, for example) Is thaqt a possible reason you are hooked up on Lainey? and now this volleyball chick?(unattainable - depending)

i'm prob agreeing more with the Mad Bundi on that call about chicks - though correct me: have any relationships (current or past) stemmed from night club booty calls? It seems to me from your experience (living vicariously KC!!) you get more of those chicks that just want a bit of action and nothing more (unless that's what you want) I do agree that it's another place to meet more chicks (and get some grinding while you at it) and that's GOOOOD ;p

and finally - yes I think you do look for someone like yourself (as perverted as that sounds) - a few people have thought that Jen was my sister so I guess that proves that theory (as disgusting as that is! :0 !
DT - 01 September '03 - 22:25

Actually maybe all the nice chicks are in church (hehehhe) or at the movies and not out bump n grindn strangers?
Dessy - 01 September '03 - 22:26

You need to let go. Obviously you are not satisfied with teh few emails otehrwise you wouldn't be posting this up rite?
Dre - 04 September '03 - 01:36

Nah hells no with the church activities :P I'm getting none from that department at the moment.

Yes, there have been relationships that have stemmed from night clubs, and yes, it does lack something. Maybe the difference between the night club and some random meeting at a house party or function is that the physical "connection" has already been established. I don't know how that affects a relationship, though.
JookBoy - 04 September '03 - 09:02

I think you guys are all over-analysing something that can't be controlled - love is completely random. You probably have felt something lacking in previous relationships because there wasn't enough love between you to completely fulfill you, not because you are a commitement phobic, or too fussy, or whatever.

Love is utterly and completely random. You can increase your changes of coming across it by meeting lots of people, and dating some of them, but it can sneak up on you after 3 months of what you think is a pointless relationship. You could date blondes all your life and fall in love with a brunette. You could find yourself falling in love with a friend who you have known for 10 years.

As for what to do until love comes along... you wait it out, try a few different people on for size.. trust your gut instinct about who feels right and who feels wrong (uhmm... I think you know what I mean).

And just be patient... wait for it to find you.
Goodlittlegirl - 07 November '03 - 12:26

Look out, people reading the old materials! :)
Totally agree with the points you make...it is random, you can't help whom you like.
I think the article addresses the fact that the "love" will have a higher chance of sustainability if you find a person of similar stature to yourself.

As a guy, though, it's probably tougher to "wait for it" as it is expected for the guy to take the initiative in the relationship. Would you agree?
JookBoy (email) - 07 November '03 - 12:39

But what I'm saying is that it's not necessarily true that someone who is similar to you will be someone you can love or even like. It might be someone who is completely opposite to you.

It's tough for anybody to wait, girl or boy.. but the waiting I'm talking about is not whether or not to wait for somebody else to make a move, it's waiting for love to surprise you.

It's hard to say when a guy or a girl should make a move (btw, I don't think it's always the guy who is expected to!). I think, like I said, it comes down to trusting your instincts about whether you should try that person on for size. I take the stand that you should always go for it, you gotta give it a chance. You never know.

I have a girlfriend who was seeing a guy casually, and 3 months later she realised she was in love with him, while they were watching tele together. So you just never know.
goodlittlegirl - 07 November '03 - 15:42

Ah, ok, I get what you're saying.

I think the article stresses that IF you do find love, it's probably better for it to be a person who is similar to you, for longevity and sustainability.
HOW you find love is what you're talking about.

The question then becomes, if you do always go for it (which I agree with), how long do you wait?
If love does surprise do you stay in what otherwise may be a dead end relationship because you might love them later on? Is this where the gut instinct comes into play?

With regards to the "guy" comment, that is a society standard. Of course it doesn't apply to everyone.
JookBoy (email) - 07 November '03 - 16:14

I have to disagree with both of you. (just to be a biatch.) I myself do not believe love to be random, just totally unpredictable. To say that love is a random emotion takes away from the fact that you are falling for someone for who they are. Love is far from random, it's just such a complex emotion, (sometimes overwhelming, other times subtle,) that sometimes we don't realise we are swimming in it until we begin to drown.

And as for someone being similar to you... well, being a the man-ho that I am, I have dated quite a wide range of different personalities, and although those relationship were successful (but unfortunately usually dismal) to different degrees, the people similar to me where not necessarily the people I felt the closest to. And when I mean similar, I am extending past mere interests (for many people say that like art or design but it is why they like it that defines that part of them.) The persons (all two of them :P) that I truly loved, (as opposed to this blind love I tend to fall into)were in many ways opposites, but also in ways similar. It was like finding a perfect balance. Though the similarities were good, the opposing parts of their personalities were what added the true spark. When (or if) I find my soul mate, I don't want them to be totally like me (because then I would be going out with a dick, literally and metaphysically) I want them to compliment me, and vice versa. I want to learn different aspects about life from them, grow with them, learn with them. I want to be shown things wether they be monumental and intimately small, that I would never have discovered on my own, or indeed, with someone like myself.

ahh but then again... what do I know :P Its not like I'm all L.L. Cool Dre :)
Dre - 09 November '03 - 15:19

Jook: yeah, the gut instinct does come into play when making decisions about whether or not to stay or go. (having said that though, i did get to a stage where around the three month mark I could pretty much call it.)

Dre: I agree.. similarity doesn't necessarily mean a relationship will last. for eg, i'm totally neurotic, and i was seeing a guy who was also totally neurotic. we would over analyse every aspect of our lives together and develop wild theories about human nature. at the time i thought it was cool bouncing ideas off each other like that, but i eventually realised it was really sick. but on the other hand, some similarities are beneficial, like whether you are both stay at home bums, or you both like to party ev-er-y night and ev-er-y day. it is a balance, like you say, it's about finding someone who complements you.

as for random vs unpredictibility, i didn't mean to "take away" the other person's personality from the equation.. i don't mean that it is fate or pre-destined. what i was trying to emphasise is that i don't think it can be controlled.. that is, i don't think you can go seeking for certain personality traits.
goodlittlegirl - 09 November '03 - 19:44

True, I don't think that love is a pre-destined thing, but I do believe you can try to seek certain personality traits, they just don't have to be similar to your own. Having been on the rollercoaster that is my so called love life many a time, I have sussed out if you will, certain elements that I know I should seperate myself from. In turn I have also discovered elements that I do find really attractive, like intelligence, understanding and creativity. Though the person I (will hopefully) find doesn't have to necessarily be creative, I think elements of understanding are fundemental, especially with someone like myself. I have experienced relationships with people who were, lets just say extremely far from being the most understanding people in the world, and I have learnt from those.. no I won't say mistakes because that word would be too harsh.

Experience is a key factor in deciding who you will fall for in the end.
Dre - 09 November '03 - 21:55